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Funny Quotes About Life And Love Biography

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A man commented to his lunch companion: My wife had a funny dream last night. She dreamed she'd married a millionaire. You're lucky, sighed the companion. My wife dreams that in the daytime.
People always ask me 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, I was an accountant.
The golden rule of work is that the bosses jokes are ALWAYS funny.
Robert Redford used to be such a handsome man and now look at him: everything has dropped, expanded and turned a funny colour.
Funny thing how you first meet the woman that you marry. I first met the wife in a tunnel of love. She was digging it.
They say he's [Yogi Berra] funny. Well, he has a lovely wife and family, a beautiful home, money in the bank, and he plays golf with millionaires. What's funny about that?"
Fake news executives are nicer than real news executives, though real news executives are funnier than fake news executives. They dont know theyre being funny.
I am sitting here looking at the most amazing person I have ever seen, smart, funny, caring, and absolutely stunning! Yes, I am looking in the mirror!
Weird people are funny. If you're just completely normal, you're boring. So I so much prefer weird people to boring people.
An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
A foolish man tells a woman to stop talking, but a wise man tells her that her mouth is extremely beautiful when her lips are closed
A pessimist is a man who thinks all women are bad. An optimist is one who hopes they are.
Friends are like bras: close to your heart and there for support.
One of life's greatest mysteries is how the boy who wasn't good enough to marry your daughter can be the father of the smartest grandchild in the world
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn't hurt.
Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
Every man has his follies - and often they are the most interesting thing he has got.
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.
Fatherhood is pretending the present you love most is soap-on-a-rope.
Have enough sense to know, ahead of time, when your skills will not extend to wallpapering.
Human beings are the only creatures on earth that allow their children to come back home.
I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I did not have three thousand pairs of shoes, I had one thousand and sixty.a
I distrust camels, and anyone else who can go a week without a drink.
I don't think anyone should write their autobiography until after they're dead.
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.
I have tried to know absolutely nothing about a great many things, and I have succeeded fairly well.
I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me.
I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.
I never expected to see the day when girls would get sunburned in the places they now do.
I sang in the choir for years, even though my family belonged to another church.
I was sleeping the other night, alone, thanks to the exterminator.
I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick. Not wounded. Dead.Funny Life Quotes, Funny Life Sayings, Funny Life Quotes and sayings: Read and share your favourite short funny life quotes about life funny life quotes and sayings collection and more.

The most important things in life are human relations.

* Life travels in between kiss and smooch

* Life isn’t a big joke, because I don’t get it.

* Life is full of disappointments, and I’m full of life!

* Life is the name of ups and down so keep claiming the mountain.

* If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

* When it comes to thought, some people stop at nothing.

* The longer I live the more beautiful life becomes.

* Life is too small so kiss slowly laughs insanely, Love truly, and forgives rapidly.

* Never take life seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are really two ways of going about it - you can either sit moping about how unfair and unyielding life is and how the greater cause does not make sense to you or you can take everything in with a pinch of salt (along with some tequila and a lime wedge, if you will), have a few laughs and carry on, smiling at the weirdness of it all. It might not be sugary and rosy all the way, but it will definitely be an enjoyable ride if you know how to be a sport. Truth is always stranger than fiction and there can be no greater adventure than living it. Here are a few quick jibes at the roller coaster ride we call life from some of the funniest men of all time. Life wasn't always smooth for them, but they learnt to live with it and bring out the best of the rigmarole through these lines.

If you can't get rid of the skeleton in your closet, you'd best teach it to dance. - George Bernard Shaw

Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to the paramedics. - Author unknown

When the plane you are on is late, the plane you want to transfer to is on time. - Author unknown

Life is like a taxi. The meter just keeps a-ticking whether you are getting somewhere or just standing still. - Lou Erickson

There are only two tragedies in life: one is not getting what one wants, and the other is getting it. - Oscar Wilde

It's frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions. - Author unknown

If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire. - Author unknown

Life is not so bad if you have plenty of luck, a good physique and not too much imagination. - Christopher Isherwood

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement. - Author unknown

An optimist is someone who falls off the Empire State Building, and after 50 floors says, "So far so good!" - Author unknown

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. - Steven Wright

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others. - Author unknown

Life is just a phase you're going through...you'll get over it. - Author unknown

You can't have everything. Where would you put it? - Steven Wright

Born to be wild - live to outgrow it. - Lao Tzu

For most men, life is a search for the proper Manila envelope in which to get themselves filed. - Clifton Fadiman

After one look at this planet, any visitor from outer space would say, "I WANT TO SEE THE MANAGER!" - William S. Burroughs

Life is like eating artichokes, you have got to go through so much to get so little. - Thomas Aloysius Dorgan

Personally, I don't think there's intelligent life on other planets. Why should other planets be any different from this one? - Bob Monkhouse

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable. - Woody Allen

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering - and it's all over much too soon. - Woody Allen

Life doesn't imitate art, it imitates bad television. - Woody Allen

Life is just one damned thing after another. - Elbert Hubbard

Life is as tedious as a twice-told tale vexing the dull ear of a drowsy man. - William Shakespeare

Everything is funny as long as it is happening to somebody else. - Will Rogers

Nothing is as frustrating as arguing with someone who knows what he's talking about. - Sam Ewing

I think I've discovered the secret of life - you just hang around until you get used to it. - Charles Schulz

When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. - Mark Twain

All my life, I always wanted to be somebody. Now I see that I should have been more specific. - Jane Wagner

Eagles may soar in the clouds, but weasels never get sucked into jet engines. - Steven Wright

Anybody can win, unless there happens to be a second entry. - George Ade

The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us. - Bill Watterson

It's always darkest before the dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it. - Author unknown

Ability is what will get you to the top if the boss has no daughter. - Author unknown

Love your enemies. It makes them so damned mad. - P. D. East

Never put off until tomorrow what you can do the day after tomorrow. - Mark Twain

I told my dad I stopped raising hell and he called me a quitter! - Author unknown

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it. - Sherrilyn Kenyon in "Dance with the Devil"

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy. - Helen Hayes

Crying doesn't help anything, try your luck with violent mood swings. - Author unknown

Smile, tomorrow will be worse. - Author unknown

When I'm right, no one remembers, when I'm wrong, no one forgets. - Author unknown

We never really grow up. We just learn how to act in public. - Bryan White

Alcohol is the anesthesia by which we endure the operation of life. - George Bernard Shaw

Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't. - Author unknown

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something. - Steven Wright

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film. - Steven Wright