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Funny Quotes To Live By Biography

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If you watch a clown show, you realize that the clown enacts scenes from daily life and puts them in a funny perspective. Humor is a balm that soothes the pain of a tragedy and makes it look like a comedy. If you want to adopt a sense of humor, begin by laughing at yourself. Here are some funny quotes to live by.
Joey Adams
In life, it's not who you know that's important, it's how your wife found out.
My advice to those who are about to begin, in earnest, the journey of life, is to take their heart in one hand and a club in the other.

Samuel Butler
Life is like playing a violin in public and learning the instrument as one goes on.

Elbert Hubbard
Do not take life too seriously; you will never get out of it alive.

George Carlin
The day after tomorrow is the third day of the rest of your life.

Robert Brault
All my life I've wanted, just once, to say something clever without losing my train of thought.

Djuna Barnes
Life is painful, nasty and short... in my case it has only been painful and nasty.

Robert Bloch
The man who smiles when things go wrong has thought of someone to blame it on.

Margaret Thatcher
If you want something said, ask a man; if you want something done, ask a woman.

Bill Cosby
I don’t know the key to success, but the key to failure is trying to please everybody.

Sir Winston Churchill
Men occasionally stumble on the truth, but most of them pick themselves up and hurry off as if nothing had happened.
Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone.
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.
It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
Some days you're the piegon; some days you're the statue.
Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
A closed mouth gathers no foot.
Never miss a good chance to shut up.
There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Kuwait.
-A. Whitney Brown
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
- Stephen Wright
When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.
- Stephen Wright.
Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives.
--Sue Murphy
I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'
-Bruce Baum
You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
- Ellen DeGeners.
The only difference between me and a madman is that I'm not mad.
- Salvador Dali (1904-1989)
Maybe this world is another planet's Hell.
- Aldous Huxley (1894-1963)
I'm all in favor of keeping dangerous weapons out of the hands of fools. Let's start with typewriters.
- Frank Lloyd Wright (1868-1959)
Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.
- Albert Einstein (1879-1955)
You can observe a lot by just watching.
- Yogi Berra
The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do.
- Walter Bagehot
Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't come to yours.
- Yogi Berra
He who sleeps on the floor will not fall off the bed.
- Robert Gronock.
Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!
- Frank
Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.
- Miss Alabama in the 1994 Miss Universe contest
Contrary to popular belief, "Damn It" is not God's last name.
(Construction wall, Philadelphia, 1969)
I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something is wrong with me.
- Elayne Boosler
Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.
- Frank King, Winter Olympic Games organizing committee chairman.
Sometimes you're the windshield; sometimes you're the bug.
- Mark Knopfler.
America is the country where you can buy a lifetime supply of aspirin for a dollar and use it up in two weeks.
- Barrymore.
Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?
- Mork, Mork and Mindy
As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.
- Dick Cavett
When you come to a fork in the road, take it!
- Yogi Berra
If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure.
- Dan Quayle
Congratulations to American Astronaut Shannon Lucid, she now holds the American record for most time in space. Of course, the old record was held by Jerry Garcia."
- Spaceballs (Dark Helmet)
The best cure for insomnia is to get a lot of sleep.
- W. C. Fields.
It is generally agreed that "Hello" is an appropriate greeting because if you entered a room and said "Goodbye," it could confuse a lot of people.
- Dolph Sharp
I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.1. Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

2. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

3. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

4. On the other hand, you have different fingers.

5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

6. Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

7. I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

8. When the chips are down, the buffalo is empty.

9. Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

10. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

11. I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

12. He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

13. She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the Juneflower.

14. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.

15. I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges.

16. Honk if you love peace and quiet.

17. Pardon my driving, I am reloading.

18. Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how living remains so popular?

19. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.

20. It is hard to understand how a cemetery raised its burial costs and blamed it on the high cost of living.

21. Just remember...if the world didn't suck, we'd all fall off.

22. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.

23. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

24. You can't have everything, where would you put it?

25. Latest survey shows that 3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the world's population.

26. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

27. The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

28. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.

29. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.

30. Shin: A device for finding furniture

31. As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools.

32. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

33. It was recently discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

34. Everybody lies, but it doesn't matter since nobody listens.

35. I wished the buck stopped here, as I could use a few.

36. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it.

37. When you go into court you are putting yourself in the hands of 12 people that weren't smart enough to get out of jury duty.

38. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.